Monday, May 28, 2018
Florida 2018 - part 4
Now we have finally left the airport, I feel a few observations to make about Florida/Americans in general:
Driving: Americans do driving. The whole country is set up to drive places, with big wide roads, arrow straight, with a left or right turn every 1/4 - 1/2 a mile to keep things easy. Simple as, no worries. Of course the Yanks found a way to complicate it - and here’s a few of the ways they fuck with the English language and your mind...
It can be quite daunting as an overseas driver here, where you’re not sure of the local road conventions, but signs saying “Do Not Pass” (no overtaking, WTF?), Yield (Give Way, OK fair enoughish ), Stop (Give Way but actually Stop or get buggered by the Rozzers. Usually so far from a junction you end up stopping, then moving forward to be able to see what you’ve been asked to stop for, and then blues and twos appear in your rearview...). Many other variations of what we may expect also exist, some of which seem designed purely to confuse as much as inform, and fuck with the English language as much as possible, such as these you will see painted on the road:
England & ROTW: Bus
Stop
‘Merica: Stop
Bus
England & ROTW: Pedestrian
Crossing
‘Merica: Xing
Pedo
England & ROTW: Children doing SATs
‘Merica: High School Shooting
...sorry, I may have digressed...obviously that wasn’t painted on the road...other than in blood
Two other things are odd: 3) Now, the rules of the road here are very similar to here on the motorway/Freeway. Inside lane (Right hand one here) for driving and two lanes for overtaking. So far, so vanilla. Except...Americans completely ignore this. Overtake, Undertake, tailgate, don’t signal, across all three lanes. Expect any of these actions at anytime, along with the speed limit being a target to be beaten, rather than a maximum to be adhered to...although to be fair on that last one, much like at home. This behaviour is completely apposite to how they drive in town. A 20MPH speed limit might help, but generally Cyclists and Pedestrians have right of way, and if you’re standing at the kerb, even not on an ‘official crossing’, drivers will stop and wave you across. Please note I am not recommending you just step out, coz that would be moronic, but so far we’ve only been hit once...
6) And this is the kicker...A driver unused to the conditions could do what we did the first few times and stick to the right hand lane. Seems sensible and safe huh? Err, no, because every mile or so the right hand land becomes an exit and you are forced to move into the middle lane or sail off into pastures uncharted. Obviously, with every exit comes an entry, and the vehicles coming on come on on what has now become the inside lane, and you are in the middle, where you never wished to be, and party to all the malarkey mentioned in point 7) above. You can of course move back into the new inside lane (checking first that some fucker in a monster V8 isn’t already streaking up your inside) but before you know it the next exit is appearing and you move over and here the fuck we go again. So, we eventually have to adopt the American mindset to this conundrum which is this: Sit in the outside lane going at whatever speed you like and let any others road users undertake you if they’re in such a fucking hurry. If you need an exit all you have to remember is that you’re in a truck that weighs more than the planet itself and swing across all three lanes with naked abandon, middle finger raised in mock salute to the symphony of car horns and squealing brakes left in your midst.
Waiters/Waitresses/Servers: You get a lot of these when you go out for a meal. An hostess who walks you to to your table. A waiter or waitress who takes your order for drinks and food. Finally a small Mexican man who will bring the food to your table, and be completely foxed if you ask him to bring another bottle of wine over. They’re all lovely and always take the time to chat (except, of course, small Mexican man...) and ‘love your accent’, but suspicious old me, I wonder if this bonhomie is coming from a real place. Is all fakery to earn a bigger tip, the details of which are now helpfully included on your bill as suggestions of 20%, 22% and fuck me sideways 25% of your total bill. Fucking hell, for a group of four that’s like paying for a fifth person just to have someone carry something from the fucking kitchen for you!! My days...
(One of the reasons this gets my goat is that last time we were here the suggestions on the bills (which aren’t necessary anyway, I can chose my own sodding tip thank you very much 😡) were 15% and 18% which were ridiculous enough as it was.)
Or is it a genuine plea to get you to like them as they’re on minimum wage and without your generous gratuity their rent won’t get paid, their car will be repossessed, and their will boyfriend run off with their sister? I don’t think I can tell anymore, so here are three guys we’ve met so far who have made a lasting impression, perhaps you can decide for me?
G) Anthony (Hub Baja Grill). Pronounced Anthony in proper American style, our man is slicked- backed-hair-in-a-pony-tail, dark bearded, bronzed surfer Dood. Only smaller. He is extremely genial, (high fives all round) sells us on the steak special for the day, and is everything you want in a waiter. Except, he keeps slapping me on the back. Often for no apparent reason, and once so hard my dentures flew out and sailed right across the table...Everyone else loved him though... (Tipped 15%)
L) Serenity (Pierside Grill and Blowfish Bar) A tiny, beach blonde, Irish Catholic girl, who looks like butter wouldn’t melt, and sounds like a hitman from Brooklyn. The wrong side of Brooklyn. She endears herself to us completely when, after a screaming child constantly interrupts taking our order she turns round, and in that broad Brooklyn brogue suggests menacingly “It’s time to take that little fucker out...” only a heartbeat later suggesting she “didn’t mean it like that...” (Tip 20%)
4) Samantha (You can call me Samantha...) (Hub Baja Grill) Another little‘un. Built like a ballerina with long dark hair, dark complexion, pierced nose and bags of New Yoik attitude, this one is spot on. She offers us the pitcher of Margaritas (the best in the village, no arguments) but we decline as we all have Margarita hangovers from the night before. $2 Yuengling pints all round it is then. “You know what goes well with that to clear a hangover?” She asks. “No?” we reply. “A shot of Jameson’s on the side!” Howls of laughter ensue. KM asks if that has ever worked for anyone and she replies “Fucked if I know, but it sounds worth a try doesn’t it?” (Tip 18%, should have been 100%)
xii) Honourable mention Joe (S.K.O.B.) - Just a fucking lunatic. Shaven headed Puerto Rican who seems to match his customers shot for shot, judging by the state he was in when he served us, which was Super Genial. He’s so high everything arrives twice as quick, and even if a glass has one sip out of, it he offers you another. At first I though he was serving with a broken arm but it turns out the sling around his body (think bandolier...) is for holding his pencil and order pad. And probable his stash of coke to get him through the night. And maybe others too... (Tip 18%, coz we love the S.K.O.B.)
P1) LATE ENTRY! Last night at the S.K.O.B. turns up a late winner - Ladies and Gentlemen may I introduce the biggest, blackest, coolest man on the entire planet, an individual so awesome he has a country named after him - or more accurately is named after a country. His name? Er, Country...I say to him I’ve never met someone called Country and he replies “Me neither Dood, my old man has a wicked sense of humour!” He’s brilliant. When Lisa orders a glass of Pinot Grigio he offers his recommendation, North Coast All Stars 2016. Lisa locks him with her Paddington stare and replies “I want the cheapest one.” A glint in his eye, Country replies “No fucking problem! America is the land of the free after all! I don’t make the fucking rules, I jus’ follow ‘em!” I’m not sure if I’ve actually stop laughing at this yet...(Tip 300%)
# posted by Bucko! @ 3:56 PM 
