Sunday, September 17, 2017
Zante 2017 - Not part 2
Zante 2017 - not part 2
So, this happened ( please remember that due North Korean spies insinuating themselves into westerners’ email accounts, real names have been redacted by MI5):
MW: such a shame you're only doing one blog while you're here.
Me: I didn't do a blog, I did a blog explaining why I'm not doing a blog
MW: yeah but that blog wasn't very funny.
Me: it wasn't a blog…
MW: they're really only funny when you talk about us lot anyway, who wants to read about half naked girls at Gatwick and rude Irishman on the plane?
Me: well the current read count is 12, but they didn't come to read a blog, they came to read about me not doing a blog.
MW: we’re much funnier than that shit..
Me: *looks at four really drunk people collapsed in fits of laughter as Sot the Barman demonstrates Teabagging*
Me: no, no you're not.
MW: fuck off we aren't, we’re bloody hysterical - there was that shit with the shoes and everything!!
Me: you want me to tell people Scott got drunk and lost his shoes and sunglasses? How is that funny?
*pause as we're interrupted by gales of laughter as Sot is now demonstrating Motorboating*
Me: I've been here two days and I haven't laughed once.
MW: *Pulling Joey face along with handbag expression*. Oh piss off Dartford, you're just no fucking fun anymore.
And that, ladies and gentlemen of the audience, is why I'm STILL not doing a blog this year…
However while I'm on there was this one thing…
Changes at the hotel are afoot with major restructuring due over the winter. This has led to the nice, comfy tall seats around the bar being replaced with some horrible temporary tin ones, more uncomfortable then a cricket ball in the nadgers. Seriously, unless your arse is skinnier than that of a particularly skinny child, you're going to be in trouble. They've also conveniently cut a slot in the top of the seat, ostensibly to let water drain off if it rains, but much more likely, in actual fact, to snag your bollocks as you stand up. Fucking shite.
And as if this testicular inconvenience isn't bad enough, there's the thought that our favourite bar in the universe is going to be changed 😳😳😳. Info is scant but worries are high…
Perhaps as I'm already here I should mention a couple of changes for the better. Firstly, jelly-armed Andy (AKA one-armed Andy AKA the shit evening barman,) has quit to try his hand (see what I did there? No?) at running a bar in Laganas. Don't worry if you've already ordered a beer from him, you should get it by the end of September (with the lid still on…)
This has meant the introduction of Stathis, a rather good looking young man it must be said, whose ability to open a beer bottle or uncork some wine has led to a much improved experience in the evening than previously, where you pretty much had to serve yourself if Sot was busy…or drunk…or missing in action.
The best change however is to the lunchtime bar. The loathsome, arrogant, bell-end of a barman “9” (seriously, what a cunt) has been replaced by lovely Nikos from reception. This doesn't mean Nikos isn't still doing some reception, he is. But when they worked out he was now actually working 27 hours a day they decided something had to give. So, and you'll have to try and keep up with me here, we now have this. A new nighttime Nikos, who replaces old nighttime Nikos once old Nighttime Nikos has finished his, sort of, early evening shift. Then we get new nighttime Nikos for the night, unless it's Nikki. It's usually still Nikki when we get up in the morning. All clear? Ok…
One other advantage of having Nikos (old nighttime Nikos, not new…) at the bar rather that the fuckwit “9”, is that you're now guaranteed to get the correct change…
One other change from last year has been the rehabilitation of Boring Barry, or BB to his friends. His sobriquet was earned when MW asked him one evening where he’d been for dinner. His reply was so long and convoluted we saw both sunset and sunrise before he’d finished, touching at all points from when he was born, his first wife, holidays where he had met diamond geezers and all points in between. I'm pretty sure it ended with him saying he'd just had a sandwich at the bar but we were all catatonic by that point so I can't really remember. However, once we got to know him he turned out to be a very amusing raconteur, and his nickname was was suitably amended. Which was lucky as the following conversation ensued:
BB: so why do you lot call me BB then?
MW: coz it stands for Basildon Barry.
BB: *makes index finger and thumb gun shaped gesture towards us*
BB: that is correctamundo
Seriously, you've got to love this man.
All has not been sweetness and light around the bar though. Firstly, BB’s incorrectly earned crown of class buffoon can, without question, now be passed to an individual we shall, for reasons noted above, refer to as Dai Davies. Make no mistake, this utter dullard could bore for Wales with his one topic of conversation - Rugby. I made the mistake of asking him who his footer team was (yes, I know, utterly dull in itself but we were all watching a Champions League game at the time). “No, you see,” he replied “I follows a real man’s game you see, rugby that is, you see.” At this point I realised I made a massive rookie error and excused myself for a piss (actually all I did was move to the other side of the bar). When I looked back his way later, to my horror he had the nephew in deep conversation. With odd snatches overheard including “funny shaped balls”, “hooker” and “leather, with bigger studs” it was hard to tell if he was still talking about rugby or a night in Thai brothel some time in 1975…
Realising it was unfair on nephew letting him take this one for the team, I vowed to apologise to him in the morning and went to bed. I can only assume the reason DT stayed up with DD till 3.15 was so he could consume enough Jameson’s to not remember the whole sorry incident.
As for the other incident at the bar, well dear reader, that would be a topic for an entire separate blog, which, of course, I'm not doing this year, so must remain untold…
Until next time…(circa 2018)
# posted by Bucko! @ 3:16 AM 
