Tuesday, June 27, 2017
Kefalonia 2017 - part 3
Kefalonia 2017 - part 3
There are, of course, three sides to every story, and the other side is that the incidents leading to Poolgate were the straw that broke the camel’s back for the complainants. Information from our source, who, due to stringent Interpol security regulations we shall refer to as Mr China Crisis, brings the story forward. Whilst claiming not to be patient zero himself, our source revealed that the initial problem arose due to their room being rather unfortunately positioned between several members of the Birmingham Massive. Sitting on their balcony trying to enjoy the evening sun, and possibly a rosé coloured evening libation or two had been made impossible by the cat calls from balconies around them, from the banal “I didn't know you were into helping wildlife Kevin till we saw you with that beached whale last night” to the bizarre “Dennis stop peeing off the balcony onto uncle Roger” and the downright disturbing “has anyone got the fanny itch cream coz my gash is raw?”
This pales into insignificance though, compared to the antics of two members of the massive, who due to reporting restrictions currently in place in the Ionion Pelagos we shall refer to as the Real Fat Slags. Our reporter, now wearing a false moustache and glasses combo, for fear Interpol’s notoriously leaky security may have exposed his identity, files as follows:
“Me and Mrs……………(name redacted on MI5 orders) were enjoying a quiet brew yesterday morning when the girl in he room next to us, Sandra (not real name) yells across where we are sitting to her mate the other side, the following exchange occurring:
Oi, Tray!
What is it San?
Well fuck me if I ain't just turned meself inside fucking out!
Hahaha, fuck me San, whatcha fucking gone and done?
I've only gone and laid the biggest fucking log you've seen in your life, its massive!
Oh San, hahaha, a right massive floater is it?
Nah, Tray, so massive it's half way up the back of the pan and blocking the u-bend!! Robert Plant could live on royalties for a year out of this, come and see!!
*sound of doors opening and closing*
Oh my fucking giddy aunt San, I ain't seen nothing like it since the gastric flu epidemic at the old people’s home in ‘89! Covered in shit from head to toe for days they were. To be fair they said I shouldn't be in if I was ill.
I remember it well Tray, you were fucking that Baz round he back of Argos and went off like a fucking burst water main. Baz thought you were having an orgasm, he just start pumping more and more furiously and it just kept fucking pouring out!
Yeah, happy days San, happy days…
So Tray, what the fuck am I to do with this beast then?
Well, only one thing for it San, put a fucking leash on it and take it for a walk.
Hahahaha
Hahahaha…
Our source, by now in trench coat and dark glasses, reported that the Massive then proceeded to follow him to the beach, on to a taverna for lunch and finally to a bar where he was surrounded. His current whereabouts are unknown…
Saturday, June 24, 2017
Kefalonia 2017 - part 2
Kefalonia 2017 - Day 1
Look, the weather has been faultlessly beautiful and all our lovely hotel staff friends are present and correct - so nothing to see here…
Except the lovely Monica has left for pastures new meaning a new evening barman called Theo. Actually, he’s not called Theo at all but when he told us his full name our eyes glazed over and so Theo it is. He introduces us to his signature drink, a ginger flavoured shot he devised himself, and it nearly blew our heads off. He says it's good in everything from a glass of milk, to a cup of tea, to your pint of beer. So far, we've taken his word for it…
And Kostas senior is no longer at reception, but Alex is. He might not be called Alex, but once again glazing over occurred and he will forever be Alex to me.
Kostas Junior isn't back from Uni till the 29th, so we'll miss him working from breakfast to bar closing and which is gutting so instead we have Florian, who is definitely called Florian, although there may be some accents in there somewhere, and he might actually be called Yannis. He is, of course, married to the wonderful Sia (deffo her name) who still keeps a watchful eye over our breakfast, lunch and beer needs in that all important 8.00-17.00 slot. And greets us like long lost friends when we arrive which is just a fantastic way to start your holiday.
So far the big news has been Poolgate. On the one side a 13 strong family group from Birmingham over for a big fat Greek wedding. They like nothing more than to have a full on game of volleyball in the pool, while generally failing miserably to keep it there, and a good old craic round the bar. There are weird haircuts, tattoos, every body shape under the sun and kids who shriek with laughter as they throw themselves in and out of the pool. Obviously the main shrieking happens when they throw themselves out, as this is far more painful than throwing yourself in, but you get my drift.
On the otherside, some right miserable fuckers who seem to think children are to be seen and not heard and no running in the corridors. They are older couples - so our age - who should really be on an adults only all inclusive in the Maldives but whose aspirations outstrip their bank balance. These whinging fuckers are so pathetic that the hotel has banned balls from the pool, and an inflatable crocodile has been confiscated and will be returned at the end of term.
All this has achieved is a rather pathetic looking half inflated croc blocking up reception and the inevitable shitstorm of bad reviews on Trip Advisor from the Birmingham massive. Neither the hotel nor the crocodile deserve their fate, but that's just what happens when you let certain mealy-mouthed, pea-brained in individuals out of the Home Counties and into the heat. It's no wonder their own children don't want to come back from boarding school for the summer and would rather stay there doing extra exams and double detention.
I have some advice for these complete and utter bellends - why not book you next holiday to the wonderful Swiss resort of Dignitas and do us all the favour of never having to put up with your pathetic small mindedness ever again. Holidays in Greece are all about sun, family, stupid fun and friendliness and you twats don't seem to like any of that, so why not never inflict yourselves any more.
Thursday, June 22, 2017
Kefalonia 2017 - Pre Drinks
Kefalonia 2017 - pre drinks
So, while going back through my previous holiday blogs, I was confused as to why I couldn't find any regarding our two previous visits to the lovely resort of Lassi. At first I was a little surprised by this, I mean, if I'm not blogging while on holiday what the fuck am I actually doing, just enjoying the sun, sea and…err…sand? Don't be bloody ridiculous! Although when I think about it, there turns out to be quite a simple explanation as to why I didn't blog the first time we were here - it was back in the technological dark ages. That's right, our first visit was pre smartphones, pre free wifi and definitely pre trip advisor it was so long ago. Fuck, I think even my holiday photos were in black and white, taken on a camera with a massive exploding light bulb and a big black hood you hid under while framing the shot.
This lack of easy access to information about the resort and the hotels (something barely conceivable in today's 24 hour information bombardment we subject ourselves to theses days) could be why we ended up in the rather pretty, but complete soulless, Princess Hotel way back when. Now superficially there was nothing at all wrong with the hotel, spotlessly clean (like everywhere in Greece we've been), had a nice pool and bar area, nice facilities…but, well…nobody spoke to each other, no atmosphere at the bar just…
This isn't necessarily a deal breaker, but the biggest problem for the hotel turned out to be it was only technically in Lassi. A good 15 minute walk was needed until you reached the first bar, with another 5 or 10 required to reach the best grub. Now, this sounds fine - and let’s be honest, when you've spent all day lying round the pool drinking Mythos you can definitely do with some exercise - but with the hotel being so quiet we ended up doing this walk twice a day, there and back. It got tedious very, very quickly. So, as much as we loved the resort we gave Lassi a miss until we could find an hotel nearer to the action. We always vowed if we came again it would have to be staying nearer the action.
To be honest the resort didn't really cross our minds again until many years later when some friends of ours who, for the purposes of this blog and witness protection, shall be referred to as Mr & Mrs Watford, rocked up there. The photos of the hotel and the view were spectacular, they were having a great time, the hotel staff seemed to notch and we gave several “thumbs up” to their FB photos. We then forgot all about it.
Until, out of the blue, Lisa was given some extra days holiday from work, and within minutes of her telling me, we had agreed to go back to Greece for a sneaky week away. And while I thought she was upstairs having a shower she was, in fact, booking a week's B&B at the Dionysos Village Resort - the same as the W’s had been to, and before I knew it we were on our way back to Lassi in less than a week’s time.
And somehow, despite our protestations to the contrary, we had actually managed to book an hotel further away from the main party area than before. That turns out to be because although the hotel looks much nearer on a map to the middle of town than the Princess, it is up a hill so fucking massive Sir Edmund Hilary and Sherpa Tenzing Norgay would definitely have paused for a fag and large G&T before attempting the summit.
The pictures of the view from the hotel should have been a clue - the glorious vistas of the crystal clear sea and Argostoli in the distance way below should have been a clue - but it's so beautiful up here that it hardly matters. The hotel is so magnificent that it's no drama to spend all day around the awesome pool, the lovely Sia bringing you beer and peeled grapes at the snap of a finger, and then in the evening you take your one abseil down the side of the Grand Canyon to the exceptional food and drink that awaits. And with it being only €4 for a cab back up Baldwin Street later it’s easy streets. And as you're in a cab you can get him to stop at the supermarket for your 6 litres of water on your way home!! Result…
