Tuesday, September 20, 2016
Zante 2016 VI - A Handy Guide
Zante 2016 VI
The Four Sides of the Bar - a public information announcement
The centrepiece of the hotel, the fabulous bar, run by the even more fabulous Sot, is the place where many guests spend a considerable amount of their Holiday time, and indeed their hard earned holiday moolah. It is a truly excellent place to spend an afternoon, evening or both, but there is a certain hierarchy that is to be adhered to.
The bar at the Contessina is square, and its hierarchy is best explained by points of the compass. Noting such, let us begin:
The south side of the bar is the only part that is fully outside and is where all the best action is. Only the cool kids sit here on the tall wicker effect bar stools, and you sit uninvited at your peril. Rookies may make this mistake on the first night, but you WILL be crowded out to the point where you suddenly find yourself sitting by the pool. You will know quite quickly if you are one of the cool kids. If the barmen neglect to serve you within a couple of minutes best tuck your tail between your legs and seek libation elsewhere. Good for us we are part of the cool kids gang - myself holding the lofty title of Sot's 'very, very best friend' - it's not unknown for him to hoof some unbearable oik out of their seat so we can sit at our allocated spaces at the CK table.
Special notice should go the the SW corner of the bar, specifically the two seats immediately past the corner. They are still outside and therefore these too are legitimate cool kids seats and there is no shame in plonking yourself down here, you may just have been a bit tardy.
Western terrace. You are a complete an utter wannabe. You think you're with the CKs but we are just mocking you. Take your small Mythos and medium white wine and just fuck off out the way.
There is, however, an exception to this. If you are nice looking and have great tattoos you will be welcomed round the cool side for an audition, but only if you are drinking cocktails and not wearing anything from McKenzie. And no, gin and tonic doesn't count as a cocktail.
North side. Oh god, you really have to just be completely desperate to park your arse here. Sit here, and even westerners will mock you. This is where midgets and fatties go, anyone who can't get themselves up onto a proper rocking barstool. From the cool kids southern aspect you all look like primary school children who can't quite see over the counter, but fatter. You are on holiday and you are sitting inside. You've probably moaned about the heat and food since you got here. Honestly get yourself some cold ones from the offy and piss off back to your balcony.
North West Corner. Oh for fuck's sake you nob end. You're behind the Lays and Pringles display, who the fuck is even go to see you there? This is definitely where thirsty, stupid people go to die.
Eastern terrace. You've given up completely haven't you? You're a complete Nobby No Mates and don't even have a proper barstool to sit on. Instead there's some tall leather covered chairs with arms so high you sit with your elbows up by your ears. You can see all the party people through the glass, but the bouncer won't let you in. You probably ordered a tea or coffee didn't you?
I do hope this handy guide has been some help to you.
The Four Sides of the Bar - a public information announcement
The centrepiece of the hotel, the fabulous bar, run by the even more fabulous Sot, is the place where many guests spend a considerable amount of their Holiday time, and indeed their hard earned holiday moolah. It is a truly excellent place to spend an afternoon, evening or both, but there is a certain hierarchy that is to be adhered to.
The bar at the Contessina is square, and its hierarchy is best explained by points of the compass. Noting such, let us begin:
The south side of the bar is the only part that is fully outside and is where all the best action is. Only the cool kids sit here on the tall wicker effect bar stools, and you sit uninvited at your peril. Rookies may make this mistake on the first night, but you WILL be crowded out to the point where you suddenly find yourself sitting by the pool. You will know quite quickly if you are one of the cool kids. If the barmen neglect to serve you within a couple of minutes best tuck your tail between your legs and seek libation elsewhere. Good for us we are part of the cool kids gang - myself holding the lofty title of Sot's 'very, very best friend' - it's not unknown for him to hoof some unbearable oik out of their seat so we can sit at our allocated spaces at the CK table.
Special notice should go the the SW corner of the bar, specifically the two seats immediately past the corner. They are still outside and therefore these too are legitimate cool kids seats and there is no shame in plonking yourself down here, you may just have been a bit tardy.
Western terrace. You are a complete an utter wannabe. You think you're with the CKs but we are just mocking you. Take your small Mythos and medium white wine and just fuck off out the way.
There is, however, an exception to this. If you are nice looking and have great tattoos you will be welcomed round the cool side for an audition, but only if you are drinking cocktails and not wearing anything from McKenzie. And no, gin and tonic doesn't count as a cocktail.
North side. Oh god, you really have to just be completely desperate to park your arse here. Sit here, and even westerners will mock you. This is where midgets and fatties go, anyone who can't get themselves up onto a proper rocking barstool. From the cool kids southern aspect you all look like primary school children who can't quite see over the counter, but fatter. You are on holiday and you are sitting inside. You've probably moaned about the heat and food since you got here. Honestly get yourself some cold ones from the offy and piss off back to your balcony.
North West Corner. Oh for fuck's sake you nob end. You're behind the Lays and Pringles display, who the fuck is even go to see you there? This is definitely where thirsty, stupid people go to die.
Eastern terrace. You've given up completely haven't you? You're a complete Nobby No Mates and don't even have a proper barstool to sit on. Instead there's some tall leather covered chairs with arms so high you sit with your elbows up by your ears. You can see all the party people through the glass, but the bouncer won't let you in. You probably ordered a tea or coffee didn't you?
I do hope this handy guide has been some help to you.
# posted by Bucko! @ 8:21 AM 
