Thursday, September 18, 2014
Zante Diary - 6
Beach Hawkers and other musings
They say there are a billion people in China, and I say this is patently bollocks, because is seems like every one of those fuckers is on Tsilivi beach offering to give me a massage. There you are, face down on your sun-bed and trying to find a less than excruciating position to read your book in (is it one handed down to one side, or hugging the top of the sun-bed with the book held in two hands, as you try to read between the fabric and the frame?), and you're being asked "you want massagee?" Decline, and not five minutes later they're back asking you again. I was asked 12 times in the first two hours on the beach if I wanted one. If I'd accepted each invitation I would have looked like I'd been 10 rounds with Mike Tyson. I'd have certainly needed a massage to get over it... Either way you try to be polite and at no point did I find the need to use a megaphone to help them on their way...
These ladies don't give up though. One of them was even brave enough to offer Lisa a foot massage - something less likely to happen than David Walliams marrying a woman. I can but imagine what would have happened to the Chinese girl's face if she'd actually succeeded in touching Lisa feet.
The other big thing is the African and Indian blokes with their Aladdin's cave of Rolex's, Rayban's and Beats headphones. Oh and not forgetting the bloke with what would be about a hundred grand's worth of Louis Vuitton, Gucci and Michael Kors handbags if they were real. Every five minutes (they form a queue with the Chinese girls...) it's "lovely, lovely, very nice price pretty lady" - which I'm not quite sure whether to take as a compliment or not - and then the next one is along. We're told by one guy, when Lisa asks if the goods are stolen, that everything is made in a factory in India. This means they're probably much better made than the real thing, which is why my teddy bear is the proud owner of a bright red pair of Bleats by Dr Dray headphones.
It would be remiss of me now not to mention the one, the ONLY Dennis the Menace - beach hawker par excellence. When we first hear the cry of "Gorgeous, delicious doughnuts, fruit salad especiale" Lisa immediately said "that's the same bloke from 13 years ago" Of course I rolled my eyes, and pointed out that every beach we've been on since then has has its own generic greek fruit seller, and she has just had too much sun to be thinking that, when he walked past us. Well slap my ass and call me Shirley if she isn't right, because if there's one thing we remember from last time is that the fruit and doughnut man always wore a Dennis the Menace T-Shirt! He looks well and is greeted heartily by many STBAs who regale him with tales of how many years they've been coming to the beach (17 in one case) and how they always enjoy seeing him. Surprisingly, for people who say they've known him for 17 years, they still don't seem to have worked out that he doesn't actually speak English...
There is, however trouble on the horizon for out venerable Dennis. Where once he strode unchallenged across the strand with his doughnuts and fruits salads held high, he now has a competitor. This man with his, fruit salads with little greek flags in them, and sidekick carrying a tray of coconuts, we have at least a competion, if not a fruit salad war on our hands. Dennis the Menace V The Interloper. Wily old Heavy Weight Champion v The Young Challenger. There's only one way to settle this...
FIGHT!
Despite these annoyances - they do become nothing more than part of the back ground hum of the place after a while - there is one big plus to being on this beach - better phone and wi-fi reception than Cornwall! It works like this - you go into a bar and buy a frosty Mythos. Ask for the Wi-fi password. Hey presto! Sit close enough to said bar and you can surf all day to your heart's content! Next day, select a different bar and repeat. They're all wise enough to know if they don't have Wi-fi they probably won't have any customers! Also, the five bars Cosmote signal on the beach is five bars more than O2 could manage in Mevagissy - shows it's not that difficult after all!
They say there are a billion people in China, and I say this is patently bollocks, because is seems like every one of those fuckers is on Tsilivi beach offering to give me a massage. There you are, face down on your sun-bed and trying to find a less than excruciating position to read your book in (is it one handed down to one side, or hugging the top of the sun-bed with the book held in two hands, as you try to read between the fabric and the frame?), and you're being asked "you want massagee?" Decline, and not five minutes later they're back asking you again. I was asked 12 times in the first two hours on the beach if I wanted one. If I'd accepted each invitation I would have looked like I'd been 10 rounds with Mike Tyson. I'd have certainly needed a massage to get over it... Either way you try to be polite and at no point did I find the need to use a megaphone to help them on their way...
These ladies don't give up though. One of them was even brave enough to offer Lisa a foot massage - something less likely to happen than David Walliams marrying a woman. I can but imagine what would have happened to the Chinese girl's face if she'd actually succeeded in touching Lisa feet.
The other big thing is the African and Indian blokes with their Aladdin's cave of Rolex's, Rayban's and Beats headphones. Oh and not forgetting the bloke with what would be about a hundred grand's worth of Louis Vuitton, Gucci and Michael Kors handbags if they were real. Every five minutes (they form a queue with the Chinese girls...) it's "lovely, lovely, very nice price pretty lady" - which I'm not quite sure whether to take as a compliment or not - and then the next one is along. We're told by one guy, when Lisa asks if the goods are stolen, that everything is made in a factory in India. This means they're probably much better made than the real thing, which is why my teddy bear is the proud owner of a bright red pair of Bleats by Dr Dray headphones.
It would be remiss of me now not to mention the one, the ONLY Dennis the Menace - beach hawker par excellence. When we first hear the cry of "Gorgeous, delicious doughnuts, fruit salad especiale" Lisa immediately said "that's the same bloke from 13 years ago" Of course I rolled my eyes, and pointed out that every beach we've been on since then has has its own generic greek fruit seller, and she has just had too much sun to be thinking that, when he walked past us. Well slap my ass and call me Shirley if she isn't right, because if there's one thing we remember from last time is that the fruit and doughnut man always wore a Dennis the Menace T-Shirt! He looks well and is greeted heartily by many STBAs who regale him with tales of how many years they've been coming to the beach (17 in one case) and how they always enjoy seeing him. Surprisingly, for people who say they've known him for 17 years, they still don't seem to have worked out that he doesn't actually speak English...
There is, however trouble on the horizon for out venerable Dennis. Where once he strode unchallenged across the strand with his doughnuts and fruits salads held high, he now has a competitor. This man with his, fruit salads with little greek flags in them, and sidekick carrying a tray of coconuts, we have at least a competion, if not a fruit salad war on our hands. Dennis the Menace V The Interloper. Wily old Heavy Weight Champion v The Young Challenger. There's only one way to settle this...
FIGHT!
Despite these annoyances - they do become nothing more than part of the back ground hum of the place after a while - there is one big plus to being on this beach - better phone and wi-fi reception than Cornwall! It works like this - you go into a bar and buy a frosty Mythos. Ask for the Wi-fi password. Hey presto! Sit close enough to said bar and you can surf all day to your heart's content! Next day, select a different bar and repeat. They're all wise enough to know if they don't have Wi-fi they probably won't have any customers! Also, the five bars Cosmote signal on the beach is five bars more than O2 could manage in Mevagissy - shows it's not that difficult after all!
# posted by Bucko! @ 4:29 AM 
