Bucko's World

Wednesday 19^th

One of the nicest things about being on holiday at a nice hotel is that cool, ice blue, tantalisingly inviting hotel swimming pool.  To a degree it’s how we pick our hotel in the first place.  The more spectacular looking the pool, plus the proximity of it to alcoholic beverages, is one of the most important factors taken into account when flicking through that holiday brochure during deepest, darkest British winter….

  And when you get there, you can’t wait to sample it. You’ve trimmed your pubes up, put your tiniest micro trunks on (the ones you have to tuck your plums into), spread on the Diamond Oil and are ready to rock.  Twenty minutes by the pool at gas mark 8 and it’s time to shown off your once-a-year doggy paddle to the world.  You hitch up your beer gut, swagger to the edge and, having slipped on the wet, shiny tiles that bizarrely surround every pool in the world, gracefully belly flop into the cooling drink.  Only then do you remember you haven’t removed your sunnies, baseball cap or watch…..

 But our pool here at the Bellasera is missing a trick.  Yes it’s beyond beautiful, crystal clear and blue; and yes it’s surrounded by palm trees and fountains and within finger-snapping distance of the bar.  But it is also extremely, unbelievably, unnecessarily hot.  A sign proclaims an average temperature of “no more” than 104F, a mind boggling 40.6C in new money.  My swimming trunks say wash at 30C.  What if they shrink while I’m swimming and turn me into a castrato?  I hear they have a very good opera company here, but it does all seem a bit drastic.  Seriously, this is the only pool I’ve ever swum in and then got back out of to cool down………..

A quick look at agenda version 4.4.1 shows that a visit to Naples Zoo is in order, and so we find ourselves there bright and early in the hope that the animals might all out and running around before it gets to hot.  Sounds like a plan huh?  Well, it would have been, except for a small point.  It appears that Naples Zoo specialises in a particular type of animal.  The type of animal the sleeps during the day.  “See the Malagsy Fosas, only ones in Florida!” proclaims the sign.  Nope, pretty much an empty cage.  “American Porcupines this way!” says another.  We can just see what may, or may not, be its arse in the far corner of the cage.  “Honey Badgers only in four zoos!” How the fuck do they know?  They’re nowhere to be seen!  This is only a small zoo; we could be done by elevenses!

We decide to go and see the Cheetahs being fed.  This sounds really exciting.  Except, again for a couple of minor points.  1) They’re fed from outside the cage, which is, by any stretch of the imagination, boring.  2) Instead of a Muntjac being chucked in and us thrilling to the chase, they appear to being fed pedigree chum.  Add to this that the male cheetah decides to forego breakfast for lying in the shade licking his balls and you can see that we’re starting to think our entry fee may have been better spent in the pub.

Slowly, however, things start to pickup.  There’s the African Leopards.  Beautiful creatures, including an extremely rare black one.  Then there’s the Leopard Tortoise, who I would’ve taken pictures of but the fucker was doing laps around its cage, and didn’t stop for long enough to be snapped.  Whoever named them knew what they were doing. He’s followed by the true star highlight of the day – The Malayan Tigers.  They are jaw-droppingly magnificent.  I don’t think I’ve ever seen a more beautiful creature in my entire life, and unless someone out there has naked pictures of Summer Glau, I don’t think I ever will.

Then we get to see the Honey Badgers.  They are seriously nasty looking dudes, and just a cursory glance at their internet history will give a small taste of what a vicious mofo this animal is:

“A Honey badger is one fearless mother fucker! He is the ultimate badass of the animal kingdom. No one knows what they look like as anyone who's ever seen one has been immediately killed by said badger”

“A honey badger that is bit by one of the most venomous snakes in the world - a puff adder - will pass out for a few minutes, wake up all pissed, and proceed to eat the said snake.”

“The Chuck Norris of the animal kingdom.”

“Africa's most fearless animal despite its small size. They are reputed to go for the scrotum when attacking large animals.”

It’s hardly surprising then that the three in the cage are attempting to kick the living shit out of each other, for lack of anything else to do.

Next stop is showtime and we all get to sit down in the shade while a variety of animals are paraded before us to squeals of delight from the younger (and some not so young) members of the audience.  The undoubted star of the show is a Two Toed Sloth called Molly, quite simply the planet’s most pathetic creature.  The sight of her being put on the floor and becoming a living doormat will live long in the memory!

One of the highlights the Zoo has to offer is the Primate Expedition Cruise, which if not grand sounding enough promises a guided tour through islands of moneys, lemurs and apes, all leaving from the Dock of Lake Victoria.  What you in fact get in a quick five minute schlep round from a muddy ramp with some guy pointing and yelling “MONKEYS”.  The only highlight is the kids in front of asking what’s happening as a pair of lemurs go at like, well, rabbits.

With the small zoo done, and money burning a hole in Lisa’s pocket, we head off to the extremely posh Waterside Shops for some fine dining and retail therapy; there’s a Tiffany’s here you know….

We lunch at the Brio Tuscan Grill, an Italian that has been recommended to us but we’ve never quite got round to visiting before.  It’s fantastic, and that’s even before we get to the food.  I have the Chipotle Chicken & Bacon Panini which unnecessarily comes with fries, while Lisa has a Flatbread pizza………..This comes with a salad, which in most places would be a side dish, but the Bistecca Insalata would challenge two people to eat it on its own.  A wedge of lettuce, Gorgonzola, bacon, Roma tomatoes and creamy parmesan dressing would satisfy the most sizable of appetites but the fact the wedge is the size of an American football, and at least a pound of cheese and bacon has been used, and you start to see the scale of the dish.  The food is all sublime, and too good not to finish, so we groan our way out of there feeling like nothing more than a good sleep, rather than shopping in 95F.

It shouldn’t be possible for a shopping centre to make you feel scruffy.  I never felt scruffy in the Arndale back in the day, nor in the upmarket bazaar that is Bluewater.  But as we pass De Beers Diamonds, Van Cleef & Arpels, Cartier, Hermes and the rest, I do start to think I could have made more effort than a Primark T-shirt and pound shop shorts.  The less said about my Ratners wedding ring the better.  Add in my gut straining against my shirt like a beach ball trying to burst free, and it would be understandable if the shopkeeps here mistook us for refugees from the trailer park down the road.  Cletus really was here…..

Amazingly, with all this bling around us, Lisa can’t find anything that takes her fancy in Tiffany – a first for sure – and as none of the other shops will let us in, no matter how much we rattle the doors, bang on the windows or shout through the letterboxes, I can only assume they’re all out to lunch.