Bucko's World

Tuesday 18th

Fabulous, fresh food is a way of life here in Florida, in both the literal and alliterate sense.  Fish and seafood straight from the sea, the best prime rib, pork and corn-fed chicken you’ve ever tasted and the nicest veg – light years away from carrots and peas – that you can wrap your tongue around.  Foodie heaven.  One vegetable they particularly like round here is that poshest of the posh – Asparagus.  Delicious eaten in a soup, as a starter with Parma ham and parmesan or just lightly buttered as a side dish, it never fails to make the mouth water. Of course there is a downside….

 This delicious spring vegetable is of course, almost more famous for the odoriferous effect that it can have on some people – the well known Asapragus Wee effect.  If you feeling smug at not being a smelly bastard because you don’t have stinky wee after a bowl of delicious asparagus soup you, my friend, are in for a surprise.  It was long thought it was to do with digestion, as only 22 to 50% of people ever reported this phenomenon after they had consumed it, the though was the “Lucky” other didn’t have the metabolic ability to create the pee.  Don’t laugh yet though.  It has since been proved that it’s actually how sensitive your sense of smell is that is the key to the problem, and the DNA code-associated nasal receptors are only exist in some people.  So next time you eat asparagus and stand proudly next to me with your non-stinky piss, think again.  Your piss stinks too; I’m just the only one unfortunate enough to be able to smell it.

More aquatic adventures today, as we head 35 miles east along Alligator Alley to the rather ambitiously named Everglades City to take an Air Boat ride.  We’ll head into the Mangrove Forest on the hunt for gators, manatees and possibly the odd dolphin, along with having the native flora and fauna pointed out to us.  Lovely, and the fact that these bastards can reach 55 MPH and don’t have brakes should be big grins all round…..

But first…..

Everglades CITY.  Really?  Perhaps the Cathedral is hidden behind one of the air boat sheds which take up, oh, I don’t know, the size of a couple of footer pitches at the most?  If this tiny place with a population of 408 (seriously, more people live down my road…) is a city then Chislehurst is a sprawling Metropolis.

Anyway, having driven down the obligatory unmade road to the strains of banjo playing we find the grandly name Everglades City Airboat Tours (they were up all night etc etc…) nestled amongst a few other run down looking air boat places and adorned with enough massive flags to make the UN headquarters seem understated.

We share the boat with an American couple who, amazingly, have travelled all the way from Naples, with their 8 year old daughter to experience an air boat ride for the first time.  I make a joke about how I walked past St Paul’s Cathedral everyday for 4 years and never went in, but it is met with glassy stares from our hosts.

The ride is excellent, with our pilot variously whizzing us between low hanging Mangrove trees before “handbrake Turning” us into a lagoon, and lazily drifting us past interesting flora along with a Layman’s explanation of their importance to the environment.  But let’s be honest here, what we really want is the fauna….

…and with a crackling radio call from one of the sister boats, it’s about to deliver in spades.

So we find ourselves coming into a lagoon with one other boat and, swimming in circles around it, a huge, 12 foot croc.  He seems rather intent on something or other, and we soon realise that it’s a large raccoon he has cornered in a tree.  The raccoon is gorgeous looking – the gator not so.  With our arrival in the vicinity, our toothy fiend seems to lose all interest in our furry friend, and makes a beeline toward our boat.  Our less than small captain is up like a shot and goes and stands in front of the little girl in the boat with the sage words “It’s her he’s interested in.”  Seeing a much bigger target the croc backs away but keeps a beady eye on us as our pilot opines “doesn’t fancy taking on a big critter like me.”  Really?  Sorry, but my money would be on the big green motherfucker currently sizing you up.

Eventually the gator decides he’s not getting an easy meal from our party and slinks away, leaving us to get up close and personal with the animal responsible for the word boner.  And a cute little bugger he proves to be.  Unfortunately their reputation here is sullied by their role as the Florida equivalent of urban foxes, where trash cans and bin bags are their favourite source of dinner.  Which leads to rats, which leads to nastiness.  It’s always the pretty ones that cause trouble.

As we head back, the cherry on the icing presents itself when we spot two dolphins feeding right in the middle of estuary, and seemingly having a right good time doing so.  They’re a joy to watch, but also remind us it’s feeding time, so once we’re back on dry land we head off into the “city” to find some grub.  There turns out to be literally one diner, the Island Café, so we end up there.  It’s fine.  Everything is what it says it is and it’s cheap.  But it’s nothing to hang around for, so we’re soon on our way back home, for some R’n’R by the pool before heading off out tonight.

Florida sunsets are so spectacular, and pink in colour, for a very strange reason, a reason starting far away in, of all places, Africa.  Dust clouds from the region are drawn towards the US by prevailing winds and help contribute to the red soil in the Bahamas know as pineapple loam.  The stuff hanging around in the air is also thought to be responsible for the Foot and Mouth outbreak in the UK a few years ago, as well as the brilliant sunsets here.  As always, we seem to get the shitty end of the stick.

Our plan tonight involves us heading down to Naples beach, sinking a few cold ones, and watching the sunset over the pier.  Lucky for us, as the free shuttle bus whisks us towards the beach, the driver suggests we not go to the pier, as there’s nothing else to do there, but go to the Naples Beach Hotel (They must have been up all night etc etc…) and drink cocktails in their Tiki Bar while watching the sun go down.  Turns out to be a brilliant suggestion.  They serve proper size pints, 20 fl oz not poxy 16, have a terrace right on the beach, and have the best rock and hair metal music playing to accompany it all.

The sunset was as spectacular as you can imagine, but even better was the restaurant at the hotel – HB’s.  Having had a couple of beers, and with it suddenly looking like it’s going to piss down, we decide we might as well just eat at the hotel, and are soon seated at a nice inside table, just before the heavens open bible style.  Oh how we chuckle into our vino as the people outside get soaked to the skin.  We are again served food fit for a king.  To accompany the complimentary home made hummus and multi coloured tortilla chips, we chose the Chef’s Appetizer Sampler which included jerk rubbed shrimp, chicken bruschetta and crab cake (with all the accompaniments), which I follow with Florida Snapper and Crab Meat Napoleon (which is gluten free you’ll be pleased to know) while Lisa has Poached Grouper in lemon and white wine herb reduction with orzo pasta.  It is all wonderful!  So good, we decide to come back here on Friday for our final night out. 

And with tomorrow in mind, we decide to forgo our insane idea of walking back to our hotel and instead call up the ever useful shuttle bus to save our legs for exploits yet to come.  If it involves anything like the huge quantities of delicious food we’ve ingested tonight, I think the shuttle bus is going to become a very important part of out trip!