Bucko's World

Entry Date: Monday 10th August 2009
Superstition. A man dies, and a city is plunged into darkness. A dog howls and drops dead on the spot. A canary sings a last plaintive melody before flying off to the great birdcage in the sky. Bad luck? A coincidence? Or proof positive of the power of ancient magic, twisted spells and the curse of the Mummy’s Tomb?.......

And so fed and watered, and with our first “branded” shopping haul of the trip out of the way, we head for the gates of Universal Studios, and our first theme park of the holiday. As we slip our tickets through the barriers, have our fingerprints taken, provide a urine sample and retinal scan (sounding familiar by chance?) the sense of excitement begins to mount as we spy part of the immense red track that forms the park’s, and Florida’s newest rollercoaster, the Hollywood Rip Ride Rockit. From the 167 vertical drag to the first drop to the seven inversions and 3,800 feet of track it looks incredible, and so you can imagine our disappointment to be told it’s not open yet. This has shades of 22 years ago when the whole Universal Park made its debut 2 weeks after we’d gone home. Grrr..

However there’s plenty more to do, and knowing what the queuing is like here we decide to head straight for the Simpson’s ride, rather brilliantly located in Krustyland. As it’s new this year, the wait is bound to be mahoosive. We hurry along but are stunned when we get there. We look around and check that we’re at the right ride. Yep. We check the ride is open. Yep again. We check that we haven’t misread the sign and that the wait is only 20 minutes and not two hours. Again, yep. 20 minutes!! We’re amazed. 20 minutes is about how long it’ll take us to get to the ride from its entrance, technically we’re walking straight in. Unbelievable. But we leg it on all the same, just in case it’s a mirage. In fact we’re on in ten, which beggars belief. And it’s bloody brilliant! A simulated rollercoaster through an animated Simpson theme park, it shakes you around, plunges you down the simulated drops on the 360° screen, makes smells like baby sick along with allsorts of other great stuff. Fantastic. So good in fact, that at least two of our party hate it and vow never to get on another ride again. Job done!

The rest of the park’s the same story. 10 minutes only for Men in Black, 15 for Shrek 4D, which is just hilarious and clever, and inside in the air conditioning which gets it 11 out of 10. There’s also only a 10 minute wait For Terminator 2:3D, an absolute must for any fan of Arnie, the Terminator films or of loud explosions and over the top special effects - pretty much any bloke then. Even getting lunch is quick, over which we speculate why the queues are so much shorter than last time we were here. Credit Crunch? U.S. kids back at school? More theme parks meaning us Brits are spread out more? Who knows, but it proves to be an extra bonus we hadn’t expected on our trip here and we like it!

And then like Lord Canarvon before us, we find ourselves poised - with naked anticipation - before the entrance to the Mummy’s tomb. Just us older fellas I might add, all else having been scared off by the inscription "They who enter this sacred tomb shall swift be visited by wings of death." We blokes, however, are made of stronger stuff, and that is baloney. We enter and much adventure is before us.

We come out half an hour later grinning from ear to ear. We’ve seen ancient treasures of immeasurable value, been attacked by Imhotep and his scarab beetle hordes, had huge rocks miss us by inches and almost been set on fire, all before being dropped 40ft backwards down a hill and on to a break neck roller coaster ride in the pitch black, surrounded by constant screams and the roaring curses of the Mummy chasing after our very souls. It was brilliant, everything you’d expect from Hollywood with an extra serving of screaming yourself silly for good measure.

As we leave however, things take a dark and possibly mysterious turn. We’re looking at the photo they’ve taken of us on the ride when, my friend points out we both look like Japs on the vinegar strokes, and I burst out laughing. The laugh, however soon strangled into a cough and I realise that where half an hour earlier I felt right as rain, I now feel decidedly peculiar. I have a drink of water, and feel a bit better, but still have this niggley tickle in my throat. Despite this, we head off to the Twister ride, but by the time we come out not only am I still coughing, but feel nauseous and have a fever.

Being sure that the only thing wrong is that we’re not used to the heat, we all decide to call it a day at the Park, and head off to one of Florida’s many huge air-conditioned malls for a well deserved chill out and possibly some light shopping. We’d seen a good sounding one on the way here, called Orlando Premium Outlets, so head there to cool down. Unfortunately when we get there it proves to be unique amongst Florida’s Malls. It’s unique, because there isn’t actually an inside. The only respite from the heat, which is over 100°F by now, is in the shops, the rest of the time you’re subject to the full force of Mother Nature. By now unable to stop coughing, I barely manage 10 or 12 shops before I start to feel really shite. Like a typical man, I don’t say anything, and soldier on like the trooper I am. But I’m really glad when the kids say they are too hot and want to go home and play in the pool.

When we remount the beast I start to wonder, in my fevered state, how can this sickness have come on so quick? What could have happened? And then the truth dawns with a soul shivering certainty. As I feel my very life-force dripping away, it seems that like Canarvon I too have ignored with impunity the words inscribed above the door, and unknown ancient forces borne on swift wings have come back and kicked me in the arse. Yes, it would appear that like those doubters before me, I have been struck down by the Mummy’s Curse…..