Friday, February 09, 2007
Spam Scam?
Oh ye of little faith….
As you all know, we have been following Dave’s trials and tribulations with orphan Elizabeth with baited breath and begging letters at the ready, all hoping for a share of the USD15M that should, a few small details aside, be winging itself post haste to his bank account. It really is marvellous to see the generosity of some people, faced with the most adverse of circumstances, and the willingness of others to assist them. It fair brings a tear to the eye and no mistake!
One never knows quite what will be thrown in one’s path on this bumpy road called life, be it the letter through your door offering you riches from a new and exciting scheme, the phone call out of the blue from and old acquaintance leading to a rekindled romance, or even a “once in a lifetime opportunity that is too good to miss” phone call from an Indian call centre. All are part of life’s rich tapestry and could just be that left turn off from the straight ahead of our lives that we all dream about.
The cynics amongst you may scoff, but once Dave has his bank account bulging with used fivers perhaps we’ll all realise we should be more trusting of the generosity of others. I hadn’t been as lucky as Dave up till now to be selected for one of these fantastic opportunities, so you’ll no doubt be as surprised and delighted as I was to finally receive “offers too good to miss” from not just a rich African orphan, who let’s face it, we might be slightly suspicious of, but some people whose credentials are beyond reproach…
Yes this morning, much to my drop-jawed disbelief, I received emails from the legendary Bruce Willis, the enigmatic Gabriel Byrne and the shagtastic Daryl Hannah, all offering me “OPPORTUNITY TOO GOOD TO MISS” Excellent, what could it be?
I opened Bruce’s first and boy did it start well. “Hi Ian my old friend…” well, I have seen him in a vest, so that’s ok – “have I got an offer for you!” – Woo-hoo!! Fame and fortune are only moments away! Perhaps he saw my part as “Non-speaking Centurion” in the school play and wants me to star in a film with him? I read on with great anticipation. “Follow the special link below direct to me for teeny hand job!” WTF??? I really don’t know what surprised me more. The fact that his career has gone so far down the pan that he needs to sells such services, or the revelation that he has incredibly small hands. So no big movie career beckons then. Disappointed, I moved on to Gabriel’s message…..
“Hi Ian my old friend….” Gosh that does sound rather familiar……. “I’m here to offer you a once in a lifetime opportunity that is too good to miss!!!” Oh good, this sounds more like it! No doubt he’s seen my blog and wants me to write him a script, with his part being a rugged, good looking, but maverick Irish Priest who is secretly a member of Opus Dei, has a drinking problem, and is struggling with the whole celibacy issue. All whilst battling the satanic minions of the Dark Lord. Great, now that is right up my street. I’ll just quickly watch every film he’s ever been in playing that exact same part, and it’ll be ready by lunchtime. However, he then puts a low punch into my balls, “Selling timeshares in Spain can make you a millionaire in just 18 months…” Oh, Gabby, how could you? My hopes of resurrecting your career are over. I now have no chance of anyone seeing my brilliantly scripted scene in which, having been captured by Satan’s minions, your character is tied up by two Succubae. Brilliantly played by Kelly Brook and Keeley Hazell (both bush-naked of course), they try to force you, by various despicable means, to break your vow of celibacy, and therefore be cast into the burning fires of Hell for all eternity. Oh, and obviously revealing the location of Jesus’ descendants in the process as well, natch. It would have been a cracker. Oh well, perhaps Daryl will be more in line with my expectations of her…
“Hi Ian, do you fancy bum-sex with me……” FCUKIN’ HELL!! I’ve seen Dancing at the Blue Iguana and while she really is as fit as a butcher’s dog perhaps we could just see if we get on together first……..Oh, hold there appears to be a pattern here…………
And that, I believe, is right where we should leave that……..Suffice it to say, if an offer from a Hollywood star really is too good to be true, it’s too good to be true. And perhaps, with cynicism re-born after it all appeared to be going so well with her, from African orphans as well.
As you all know, we have been following Dave’s trials and tribulations with orphan Elizabeth with baited breath and begging letters at the ready, all hoping for a share of the USD15M that should, a few small details aside, be winging itself post haste to his bank account. It really is marvellous to see the generosity of some people, faced with the most adverse of circumstances, and the willingness of others to assist them. It fair brings a tear to the eye and no mistake!
One never knows quite what will be thrown in one’s path on this bumpy road called life, be it the letter through your door offering you riches from a new and exciting scheme, the phone call out of the blue from and old acquaintance leading to a rekindled romance, or even a “once in a lifetime opportunity that is too good to miss” phone call from an Indian call centre. All are part of life’s rich tapestry and could just be that left turn off from the straight ahead of our lives that we all dream about.
The cynics amongst you may scoff, but once Dave has his bank account bulging with used fivers perhaps we’ll all realise we should be more trusting of the generosity of others. I hadn’t been as lucky as Dave up till now to be selected for one of these fantastic opportunities, so you’ll no doubt be as surprised and delighted as I was to finally receive “offers too good to miss” from not just a rich African orphan, who let’s face it, we might be slightly suspicious of, but some people whose credentials are beyond reproach…
Yes this morning, much to my drop-jawed disbelief, I received emails from the legendary Bruce Willis, the enigmatic Gabriel Byrne and the shagtastic Daryl Hannah, all offering me “OPPORTUNITY TOO GOOD TO MISS” Excellent, what could it be?
I opened Bruce’s first and boy did it start well. “Hi Ian my old friend…” well, I have seen him in a vest, so that’s ok – “have I got an offer for you!” – Woo-hoo!! Fame and fortune are only moments away! Perhaps he saw my part as “Non-speaking Centurion” in the school play and wants me to star in a film with him? I read on with great anticipation. “Follow the special link below direct to me for teeny hand job!” WTF??? I really don’t know what surprised me more. The fact that his career has gone so far down the pan that he needs to sells such services, or the revelation that he has incredibly small hands. So no big movie career beckons then. Disappointed, I moved on to Gabriel’s message…..
“Hi Ian my old friend….” Gosh that does sound rather familiar……. “I’m here to offer you a once in a lifetime opportunity that is too good to miss!!!” Oh good, this sounds more like it! No doubt he’s seen my blog and wants me to write him a script, with his part being a rugged, good looking, but maverick Irish Priest who is secretly a member of Opus Dei, has a drinking problem, and is struggling with the whole celibacy issue. All whilst battling the satanic minions of the Dark Lord. Great, now that is right up my street. I’ll just quickly watch every film he’s ever been in playing that exact same part, and it’ll be ready by lunchtime. However, he then puts a low punch into my balls, “Selling timeshares in Spain can make you a millionaire in just 18 months…” Oh, Gabby, how could you? My hopes of resurrecting your career are over. I now have no chance of anyone seeing my brilliantly scripted scene in which, having been captured by Satan’s minions, your character is tied up by two Succubae. Brilliantly played by Kelly Brook and Keeley Hazell (both bush-naked of course), they try to force you, by various despicable means, to break your vow of celibacy, and therefore be cast into the burning fires of Hell for all eternity. Oh, and obviously revealing the location of Jesus’ descendants in the process as well, natch. It would have been a cracker. Oh well, perhaps Daryl will be more in line with my expectations of her…
“Hi Ian, do you fancy bum-sex with me……” FCUKIN’ HELL!! I’ve seen Dancing at the Blue Iguana and while she really is as fit as a butcher’s dog perhaps we could just see if we get on together first……..Oh, hold there appears to be a pattern here…………
And that, I believe, is right where we should leave that……..Suffice it to say, if an offer from a Hollywood star really is too good to be true, it’s too good to be true. And perhaps, with cynicism re-born after it all appeared to be going so well with her, from African orphans as well.
# posted by Bucko! @ 4:07 AM 
