Bucko's World

We all love to customise our cars somewhat, be it furry dice hanging from the rear view or a Garfield grinning inanely out from a rear quarter light. Some may even go as far as to add gaudy “spinners” to attract attention or even a spoiler, perhaps the most accurately named of car accessories ever. I even once saw a car which had a heart-shaped exhaust pipe, along with a sticker proclaiming “I heart Lupos” which surely would be going to far.

Of course the big boys play in a different league and once they’ve bought the biggest vehicle they can find to compensate for their tiny penises, the only real way to stand out from the crowd is to advertise yourself, your personality, and your prowess in bed by the most expensive accessory known to man, the personalised number plate. And so it was that I was crossing Cornhill the other evening when the biggest of the big, a Toyota Land Cruiser with bull bars, long distance driving lights and full running boards booms to a stop next to me and disgorges the most dislikeable, greasy scruff bag you’d ever have the displeasure to meet in a dark alley. As this odious individual pushes past me whilst bellowing into his mobile phone I take a glance at his car and notice his number plate, which leaves me standing in slack-jawed incredulity…….

Now, a plate which just has your initials on it, is probably just about acceptable but over the years I’ve seen some absolute shockers, which makes me wonder just what sort of message these people think they are sending out about themselves. I’ll leave you to decide on that, but for your delight, amusement and all-round amazement, I give you my favourite number plates of all time, along with the one that simply beggars belief:

Seen many years ago on a Lotus Esprit, I never thought this plate could be topped for sheer audacity. The additional to the boot lid of the words " The Dog's bollox" only added to the charm.....


Seen in Colchester only this week on a Mitsubishi pick-up truck that looked like it was wearing vari-focal lenses. I don't know which of the sad fuckers who exposed their every personality defect for the amusement of the genral public owns it, but just how much more of the limelight does the dickhead responsible for this need?

This simply brilliant plate was last seen gracing an old gold Opel Monza, the sort of car driven by hairy chested, medallion wearing, aviator sporting 40 something in the 80's who obviously WASN'T having a midlife crisis, but still drove around with wheel-spinning ferocity and had Demis Rousouss playing too loudly for his own good.

The real genius of this plate though was the tag line beneath, which you had to be pretty close to read: It said "Wine me, Dine me, 69 me........" Class....

Our american friends can have far more fun with this than we can. Being resticted to the variation of three letters, three numbers, one letter format for so many years meant we had to be creative and often really stretch a point to make the personalization work, but in the States you just tell 'em what you want on the plate and so long as no one else has it it's yours. This classic was mailed to me by a friend

Of course there are even more option with these, and this really brought a smile to my lips. If I had the money there are a couple of people I have in mind for this one...

With the change in number plates hear though we could possibly start to rival the yanks for great number plates. My two favourite plates are both issued out of Luton, which has the code letter "K" at the start. Don't ask me why it's "K", you'd have thought that would have been Kent but no, we got "G".....anyway, these would be great

And the plate I would most like.....

But here is where it all goes wrong for we are back to our Odious Little Man and his oversized car. Thid new system is obviously more open to abuse than you could imagine beacuse the number plate on his tank had been ammended as below, and really does say everything you need to know about the man behind the wheel...

What a see you next tuesday....

However, I do not wish to leave you on such a tasteless note, but with what is probably the greatest number plate from either side of the Atlantic, of possibly all time. We've all seen emergency service vehicles go by with lights ablaze and the legend

on the front. If they're coming up behind you you know what it is from a quick glance in your rear view and all is well. You pull over and all is well. And that is what makes

quite simply the best number plate ever, coz as the BMW 5 series it adorns zooms up behind you in a country lane, you will be astounded to find that they allowed the number in the first place, but will then have to tip your hat to the sheer unadulterated brilliance of it, for it does indeed say